It just dawned on me...my birthday is 11 days away. Although tomorrow isn't promised, God thus far has blessed me with 25 years and 354 days of life. I've had my ups and downs, but here I am..about to complete another year and I can't be anything but grateful. No, life isn't where I thought it would be when I hit 26, but looking back I have little regrets and for that I'm thankful. Clearly if I knew then what I know now, there are a lot of decisions I would have made differently, but the truth of the matter is, based off the information that was present at the time, I made the decisions I thought were best. Hindsight is 20/20, but present...not so much. So what if I haven't graduated yet, so what if I'm not married yet, so what if I don't have kids yet; I still have L-I-F-E! And that is what's important. Looking back there are literally times I should have died but god saw fit to keep me alive (car accident where gas tank should have exploded from impact but didn't; surviving the stalker; surviving over two weeks of undiagnosed ketoacidosis (a condition that is known to cause coma/death within 24 hours) just to name a few). Basically, what I'm saying is I'm embracing this birthday with open arms, thankful to see another year, and loving the person I've become flaws and all.

I guess it's about time for my weekly update. Until things settle down, I think I'll be sticking to just weekly journaling, well I should say, weekly sharing my thoughts, because I will be doing personal self journaling when ever I feel the need.

Still, reclaiming my life, things slowed down a bit, but its ok. Now I'm working on reconnecting with my family. I decided for my birthday I'm going to hang out with my family instead of my friends. I'm still planning a dinner of some sorts maybe the Wednesday or Thursday before, but the actual weekend of my birthday my cousin and I are taking a road trip to Virginia to meet up with my other cousins, and we're going to hang out with my Aunt (by marriage) side of the family. My aunt (and the uncle she married) have both passed away, but they were married so long her family is like our family, plus I love her kids (look at me calling them kids but her oldest daughter is like 10 years older than me) to death and I never get to see them enough because they all live in Maryland and grown and got kids, but still I love them cause they're family. Anyway, I'm kinda looking forward to it.

Something has to give on the job front soon before I lose it. It was cool having some time off, but now I'm coming up on 2 months and things are finally getting tight. I actually had to borrow money from my parents, and I HATE that (but am so grateful that I even have the option to be able to borrow from them) and I refuse to have to do that again, or move back home so uhm....yeah something gotta give- SOON!

I'm still chilling on the relationship thing. Biker is still around in some respects but I have absolutely no expectations of him, and I like that. I spent the night with him last week, and we made out a little bit, and it was fun, but I refuse to let him into ME, so we're cool. I've also been semi-seeing/talking to this other guy. I think I mentioned him during the post when I first mentioned Biker, but I don't have a nickname for him yet. I've been calling him No-Good Guy which is totally mean and not necessarily truthful. He's not no-good. I just said that because on the surface he reminded me of Fugitive and Fugitive was no good so by default new guy became no good. But he's really nice, and he's honest (or at least he comes across that way) so it's refreshing. He doesn't try to be something he's not. I went to see him Saturday, and before I came he was very honest and was like "I want to see you but I'm broke and I can't take you anywhere. If you come over we can chill and I'll cook for you, but that's the best I can do right now" and that's exactly what we did. I came over he cooked us dinner, and we watched some TV and hung out with his family (yeah I know...already met the Mom, Dad, and nephews the first time I went to see him, this time I met his sisters). We had fun, and his family seems to genuinely like me (but I am likable). His nephews LOVE me...they go crazy when I come over trying to impress me, they are cute little boys. One of them apparently told his mama he loves me and wants me to be his girlfriend cause when he saw me he came up to me with the most solemn face and said "my mama told me i'm not tall enough to be your boyfriend and I can't buy you any diamonds" I had to try so hard not to laugh, it was just SO cute then he goes "but my uncle is tall, so he can be your boyfriend, but I can't"

Anyway, I'm tired of typing so whatever. I NEED A JOB!!

Yeah, I know, it's been over a week, did you miss me?

Anyway, I'm in the process of reclaiming my life, so I had to chill on a lot of things for a minute, including LJ. I realized that my life was turning into something that wasn't my own, so I've applied the brakes, and I'm kicking out all the homies trying to get a free ride, and slipping back into the driver's seat.

I've had to take a good hard look at some of my relationships lately. I've been giving so much of myself the past few years, and unfortunately when I hit a rough spot a few weeks back, I came to the realization that there was no me left to give myself.  So I've been purposefully and accidently been reconnecting with old friends (I mean OLD friends, as in "I knew you in Kindergarten") and reassessing newer friends, and alot of people having been finding themselves shut-out, put down, or at least kept at a distance. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but I realized I have to love me more. The same with the men in my life, most of them have found themselves totally put out and I am not the least bit concerned about it. I have to get rid of all the negativity because it's only dragging me down and I ain't got time for that. So be forewarned, if you bringing nonsense you will be cut off.

I am at a very precarious place right now as I get things in order, and I found that out the hard way having a conversation with a friend the other day. Unfortunately she is going through some silly things that aren't neccessarily her fault, and I found myself slipping into the old me, taking her side, and talking really negative about the situation and some of the people (well one person) involved. Although the situation is utterly totally ridiculous and the result of people (that person) being immature (and this person has rudely and negatively lashed out at me, so I do have some what of a right to not think such happy thoughts about this person); I can't wallow in that funk. The rest of my day I caught myself being irritable when I shouldn't have been, and kinda gloomy because I'd let the negativity seep into my psyche. So while I don't want to push my friend aside while she's dealing with BS, I have to look out for me more and know that right now her situation is toxic to my inner being. (Sorry friend, you know who you are, and yes I still love you dearly, no doubt about that, but....) Anyway, these are the things that I'm dealing with right now, finding the balance of loving people but not letting them pollute me, because well I tend to take on others problems as well as the weight of the world and right now, it's time for somebody else to carry that weight.

In other news, I am still feeling my new church immensely. Within the next few Sundays I'm confident I will be joining. I feel so refreshed connecting with the word. That's what's really giving me the strength to make it through day to day because it has been some ROUGH days lately. And I'm so eager to be involved and watch myself grow under the Lord's guidance and grace. I just tear up when I think about God and all He's done for me, continues to do for me, and the unknowns that He has planned for my future. (If I wasn't in the school library I'd probably start shouting right now, but I gotta keep my composure lol)

Anyway, it's getting cold in here and getting late and I got some stuff to do, so I'm out!

*ring ring* (well actually my ring tone is Single Again by Trina, but you get the point)
"Hello"
"May I speak to?"
"This is she"
"How are you? I hope I'm not interrupting anything"
"I'm fine, may I ask who is this?"
"This is Darius"

I drop the phone

"Hello are you still there? Did I catch you by surprise?"
"uh..yeah I'm still here, and yes, way by surprise"

Why did I drop the phone, why was I caught by surprise, just who is this Darius person? Darius...Darius was my first real boyfriend. I say real boyfriend cause I was fast and had a *boyfriend* in Kindergarten, but Darius was the first guy I was in a real relationship with. And the first guy to ever break my heart. So yeah it was a bit of a shock hearing from him. We haven't spoken in over 10 years. We did some catching up over the phone, he has 3 children now, not married but doing well. Apparently he ran into my friend Squeaky (who coincidently was the person who introduced us 12 years ago) and he asked about me so she gave him my number. I'm headed to see him now...just to catch up of course. After seeing him and more catching up I'm sure I'll have lots of analysis about how our relationship shaped my views of all the relationships to follow...

I really shouldn't be happy about this, and I'm probably putting bad karma in the air for even thinking about it, but Fugitive's life has been going not so good since we broke up. Most of me feels sorry for him, but the hurt part of me doesn't feel sorry for him at all. Since we've "broken up" he's lost his job, *she* thinks she might be pregnant (and neither of them can afford another child right now), and *she* hit him with her car- on purpose - earlier this week while they were arguing and so he's been pretty banged up all week because of it. I'm sorry, but that's what he gets. And apparently *she's* been threatening to send her ex-husband (the exhusband who used to regularly beat on her until he dumped her for another woman) after Fugitive to beat him up.  But they're supposedly so in love.

What did we learn: When you live in the gutter, you'll end up trashy!

I've decided to get a little bit more serious about this job hunt thing. Alot of people haven't been able to understand why I've been kinda lax about it, especially since I'm not rich and just rolling in dough. But for me, this job situation is a little more than "just a job" for me at this point in my life, its also a testament to my faith, my perserverance, and general stick-to-it-tiveness. Although I know I could always fall back into the classroom be it a full/parttime teaching gig or just preschool subbing, my hesitation is, I feel its a step back for me to return to the classroom.  Yes I know- money is money, and you get it where you can when it's legal. But I dunno, I don't want to stray from the path I'm on because in my soul I feel like this is the path God wants me on. So even though money will start getting tight soon, I don't want to jump ship just because I hit a little hiccup.

 I feel like much can be said for the fact that I haven't worked in what will literally be a month on Thursday, and even when I had a "job" technically I've been working unpaid since the last week of December, and yet my bills got paid, my rent got paid, I was still able to shop here or there, go out to eat, and spend money quite freely. (I'm regretfully wishing for some of that money back because it was wasted during the relationship with fugitive, but can't cry over spilled milk) Basically all that is to say that, God has more than supplied my needs while on this path, and I feel that is because I am on the right path, so I don't want to take the situation in my own hands just because of some fear about money. Whenever we (humans) take a situation into our own hands its guarenteed that we are not doing what God wants of us and the results will not be as good as if we had just trusted and waited on God. So that's what I'm trying to do, wait and trust God in this situation.

I did apply for an Event Management internship, which sounds very interesting. During the day its basically an unpaid internship, but they try to make it up by having you work the actual events at night and then you get paid an hourly rate for that. So hopefully I'll be hearing from them soon, and it's not bull like my last internship. Although I can't hate my old boss because I feel like overall I did gain alot of knowledge even if it wasn't neccessarily what she promised it would be. I can say I did plan 3 expos, a 60th wedding anniversary, and had begun planning a wedding when we parted ways- so I do have experience in event management, and although I can't say this in an interview, my ex-boss's sheer laziness had me with a lot of responsibility in just 3 months. Just pray for me I guess.

I swear I'm not falling for him, its too soon, and I'm on a hiatus from men, but I like hearing from bikerboy! His riding club is hosting a party Friday and he really wants me to come, but I have to find someone(s) to come with me (hint hint tica and nisa). I gotta find me some "hood" friends for things like this. Maybe I'll invite along the ladies that I was with when I met biker boy??

Oh I almost forgot...another one of my exes asked me to take a vacation with him be cause he feels "we really need to hang out and just talk about some things; about ourselves; about our relationship"  Only me....

I am a social person. There's all there is to it. I am happiest when I'm out and about doing stuff with people. I decided to have myself a semi-busy weekend cause I've been spending too much time alone and not doing much lately, and well that doesn't make me happy.


So all in all my weekend was good, the only damper was when I went to drop Rachel off at her husband's house (he is fugitive's best friend and they live in the same neighborhood (both living with they mama's smh)) and when I passed by fugitive's house *her* car was there, so that was a little sad, but not really cause I know I'm better than all that. I do kinda hope to keep in contact with football and biker, because they are cool people to have around, everything doesn't have to be about a love connection, I like having friends to just chill with. And football and his friends were already like "yeah babygirl we got you. next time we go out you getting spoiled" (I was the youngest there, and I made a comment about I like being the baby cause babies get spoiled lol; and plus I'm a sucker for being called babygirl, my favorite of nicknames I've had over the years). But I have to go cause I'm about to be late for church!

I'm not really trying to complain, ok maybe I am, but my tooth hurts, my uterus feels "tight" (don't ask), and I got maybe 3 hours sleep last night and I'm exhausted! ok I'm done

Someone said to me today

Sirens again! This is so exciting in a "please don't like wreck everything or hurt anybody" kinda way. But I actually hear thunder this time, and the sky has darkened significantly, but folks are still outside doing their thing. I'm headed back to the bathroom. Long as I got my laptop and my cell I'm cool. Knew I should have gone and got food earlier though, but oh well. I want some more rainbow cake from Joe's!

I don't know what's up with this whack-tacular weather lately, but uhm...the Tornado Sirens just went off in my area. You know the sirens that only sound when there is an ACTUAL tornado spotted touching the ground. Yeah that one. And yet the sun is shining and I can hear people outside moving around like it's business as usual. Maybe they don't know what the siren means? They have to know that it's an alert, and they have to know that its not a drill cause they just did the monthly test on Wednesday at Noon like they've done for years. So clearly the siren at 4:30pm on a Friday means get out the car and go back in the house stupid. But what do I know? That's fine, I'll continue to chill in my windowless bathroom until the sirens stop cause I don't take chances, especially since in the 4 years I've lived here the siren has only sounded once- when we had a tornado.

Speaking of tornadoes...I witnessed the ugly effects of bipolarism minus medication yesterday, and it was sad. I wanted to be upset, but I couldn't be because it was just so..S.A.D. I really just wanted to say "woo woo woo, aren't you such a victim" but it wasn't worth it nor did I really care that much. It was just a very sorry sight to see. But that's all the brain power I'm going to waste on that train wreck.

Well the sirens have stopped, so I'm going back into the living room to see what the news is talking about. Apparently the metro area is under tornado watch until 10pm, 60+ mph winds and hail already reported around the metro. And a projection of a 90% chance for more hail. The weathermen are having orgasms I'm sure- they live for this kind of stuff. As they continue to report it's no wonder we're having tornadoes. Less than an hour  north of the city its 52 degrees but less than an hour south of the city its 78 degrees- I would think that 30 degree difference would make for some cataclysmic atmospheric activity (you like that knowledge don't cha lol).


I've found a teaching position I'm interested in (I know, I can't believe I'm thinking about going back into the classroom!) so I'm sprucing up the resume and sending it out and we'll see where it leads me. I've been feeling so- i don't know what's the word free? since I haven't been working (all of 3 weeks lol). I haven't been that concerned about having a job just yet. I grumble with Nisa bout money, but truth be told, I'm doing fine. Obviously, at some point I'm going to have to seek new employment, plus its nice to see money coming in instead of going out, but I'm not stressed. Anyway, wish me luck!

A facebook friend had this as his status and I like it so i janked it:

Do not take another's bad opinion of you as the truth.
Nothing other's think or say about you is about you,
but rather a reflection of their own reality.

And he is not the type to say profound things, so I can't miss this little pearl of wisdom (lmbo)

I'm sneaking in a quick post while Black Nerd takes his shower. I have to say that I am MORE than a little impressed by this hotel. I mean I've stayed at nice hotels before, but this is N-I-C-E! First and foremost we are on the top level of this 15 story building and the lakefront view is AMAZING!  This floor has its own lobbby/lounge, so you don't have to be with the other guests. They even have a separate breakfast than the rest of the hotel; and while the other guests only get a continental breakfast, in addition to our full breakfast, they also set out "continental" lunch and dinner for us (just finger foods and hors de vous, but still, NEVER seen a hotel give you food beyond some danish, fruit and cereal for breakfast, oh and we get FULL breakfast). To even get to this floor you have to put your key in a special slot on the elevator before it will even let you press the button! Because I'm nosy, and they had the info in an easy to access spot- this room costs $359/night! Yes, I said THREE HUNDRED FIFTY NINE U.S. american dollars. With things like orbit, priceline, and hotwire, I'm assuming he didn't spend that much, but still, damn even with all that he still had to spend a decent grip. I was telling him how much I liked the room and he was like "good cause I got it just for you"

I know it's wrong, but I timed my arrival to minimize the time we spent together today. So I actually didn't see him for the first time til 10:30pm, but it was cool. Up until he told me he loved me. It kinda slipped out, and I could tell he hadn't meant to say it then cause he tried his best to act like he hadn't. But yup he said it. I don't even remember what was being said, but he was like " and the fact that i love you" and then his face went weird and he rushed out some more words to cover up what was said. I didn't respond , just let him act like he didn't say it. Later at dinner he tried to clean it up and say he had "loving feelings towards me" but uhm, too late, i clearly heard you say 45 minutes ago "I love you" but ok whatever.

If we were still actively dating, I would be 100% sure this would be the trip where he asked me to marry him. It just has that kinda feel to it, and that's the only thing that's ruining this vacation for me, which is a damn shame cause I'm enjoying my get away.

So, I did end up going to Florida. So far I'm having a really good time, so fuss at me later!

Still awake. 3:32am, not so much as even yawning. Got a appointment @ 10 tomorrow to see somebody about this. Ridiculous! Got in bed around 930ish and tried to play the "just lie still with your eyes closed" trick, then my phone rang. Black Nerd wanted to know if I'd changed my mind about coming to Florida- he booked a room at the Sheraton cause "(i'm) used to nice things". And wanted me to know he's working on a side trip to the beach cause he knows "(I) love the beach" but Orlando is landlocked, so if not, which water park would I like to go to. Where was this man when we were dating!? While flattered, I also feel like he's pimping me cause clearly nothing is free, so I don't know for sure what he's expecting, but I have an idea- it involves me bent over the back of a chair or with my ankles above my ears, and I'm not feeling either. smh @ you fool, top shelf kitty costs more than a trip to Orlando; come with a cruise,we might can work out a deal

And not that I have a right to be mad (damnit why can't I have double standards?) but fugative's ex has been popping up way more than he ever admitted, which, because of my nature has me second guessing like everything (would be 3 months next week on the 5th, but clearly not if I spend the weekend in Florida but I digress). At the end of the day he seems to want me not her, but I don't deal too well with competition (not that she would stand a chance against me, I would walk away before it got to that point) but the thought of having to vy for a man's attention? I think not! Too many other men out there to be chasing behind one, especially when I got one willing to pay for Florida trips. smh @ you fool, better go for the gold and stop messing with the old!

I'm bout to try to sleep, wish me luck!

It's 3:30am and I'm not asleep :o( this insomnia is wearing thin...looking at what maybe a month now on this? The only thing keeping me from being a walking zombie is my schedule has such wide openings I can nap when I feel the need to. The bad part is, you'd think not napping and little sleep would equal no insomnia the following night, but nope. I get sleepy around 6pm which is far too early for bed, so I try to hold out til 8, and next thing I know its 2am and I'm no where near sleepy. oh well.

Oh and its a no on Florida. More than anything, I just don't want Black Nerd getting the wrong idea. The more I think on it, this seems like it might be his attempt at "us" again, and although a distance relationship with him would be easier than the distance relationship I had with Lovey- I just don't want to be in a distance thing anymore (the proximity of fugitive zapped my little patience in not being able to see my man), and I don't want to be in a relationship with Black Nerd and all his africanness. Sometimes I want to scream at him "you ain't african! you regular nigga just like the rest of us!" (excuse my use of the n word, but seriously) I've dated africans (nigerian, kenyan, ethiopian, botswanian, and cameroonian) and they weren't as african as he is. Its annoying! Nice guy though, he'll make someone a good man, just not me.

Times like these a need a big strong AMERICAN black brother to put me to sleep. Or at least read my bible until I'm sleepy. Yeah, the bible's probably a better choice for me right now...but Lord, I'm ready to receive that brother whenever you send him, until then I'll be buried somewhere deep in the book of Esther or Nehemiah or somebody....just send him sooner rather than later! :o)

I LOVE my parents, I really really do. Since I've been jobless and mom is retired and dad is on sick leave I decided to spend some time with them, cause they act like they miss me so much even though I usually see them once a week. Anyway, I stayed with them Saturday - Today and realized something very important- I CAN NEVER LIVE WITH THEM AGAIN! No matter how tight money may get/be, barring not having any other choice, I refuse to move back into my parents' house. I left home headed to college, and other than the first 2 summers, and one semester when I first transferred, I have not lived with my parents longer than 4 months since I was 18 years old. That was almost 8 years ago, and almost a lifetime in terms of how we've all grown and changed. So I've made that decision, some way some how I will continue to live on my own, either remaining where I am or getting a new apartment (i'm working on the latter).

So my ex (I don't think I've ever really mentioned him here, but we got kinda hot and heavy last summer, we'll call him black nerd) emails me yesterday with a strange request. He wants to take me to Florida for a get away this weekend. As much as I need a vacation I'm more than likely gonna say no, cause that's just weird. When we dated last year, things were cool, I enjoyed the relationship although he sometimes annoyed me because he was really into African traditions and stuff, and well that just annoys me (I have a love-hate relationship with Africans and well their Africanness). Anyway, apparently things were more serious to him than I realized, so around my birthday he told me he had to work and I was like ok whatever. Swann and I decided to hangout for my birthday (cause I was still technically being all foolish for him) and we went to the movies at what I thought would be an obscure theater, and as we're walking out after the movie, guess who we run right into- the BLACK NERD! Turns out the "work"he had to do was fill-in for a friend of his that owns  a kiosk selling (can you guess?) African related stuff at the very same mall that Swann and I decided to go to.  So anyway, he  acted like he was cool, we saw each other a few times after that but things were a little strained, then suddenly he disappeared and I didn't hear from him anymore. Fast forward to  the end of 07, Black Nerd sends me a message online wanting to check in, and of course I bring up how things ended. He informs me that basically , him seeing me with Swann was too much for him, because he was so in love with me, and basically he had been planning on us getting a place together and settling down and all that good stuff (although he never discussed any of this with me), and he didn't realize how deep feelings for me had gotten until he saw me with someone else and it made him feel possessive, but he didn't feel like he could hold on to me again (we'd dated before and broken up in 05 or 06), so he moved to Maryland to get away from me because he couldn't run the risk of bumping into/seeing me out and about somewhere and we're not together (his words). And so occasionally he's been emailing or messaging me "just to check in", and then bam- now he wants to take me on a (much needed) Florida vacation. What is up with men! And what is up with Swann always popping up to ruin stuff for me (Lovey is still mad and refusing to talk to me)!?  Only me, things like this seem to only happen to me.

My life is a case study in psychology and human behavior.

Its 4:50am, and I'm still awake. Not good. My boss sent me an email trying to jump bad; I should have prayed before responding, but I didn't. The response wasn't very nice, and what's sad is I only said 1/4th of how I really feel. I did realize my error and prayed afterwards. I know I can't change the words, nor do I want to, I said how I truly felt, what I prayed for was guidance on my next steps. I mentioned a post or two back, that I'm being tested. This email is part of the test, and my next move is part of the test. Lord, give me strength, cause I sure need it now.

I think I've found a new place I would like to live, its in the city right across from the park, and its actually cheaper than what I have now, which makes me skeptical that a place in the city is cheaper than what I'm paying out in the 'burbs, but we'll see after I go view it. The downside is, the price probably won't be so good on a 6 month lease, but I really don't want to sign a 1 year because I'm so determined on this house. I may have to suck it up and go back home, much as I hate it, those extra thousands in my bank account will go a long way in helping me acheive goals. Praying for guidance on that one too.

Lovey is mad at me because of something Swann (yes crazy swann from way back when) wrote on my facebook wall; I'm more than a little sure Magee (one of the new guys) is mad because of Lovey's angry post (and swann's original post) on my facebook wall because he's been a little distant since then and hinting at "my mystery man" that's not him; mr sexy is being distant for reasons unknown to me but probably stemming from the lack of action in the hotel room last friday night; I've been a little distant from fugitive because of the action in the hotel room last friday night and some other life stresses; and Swann has been unexplicably closer lately including pet names and good morning/night texts. DEFINITELY praying for some guidance over all of that mess, and that's exactly what it is- MESS.

Just in need of all around prayer!