Over 71,000 people lost their jobs yesterday... Really America, really? This is the best we can do for our citizens? Oh and Citibank decided to use some of its bailout money to buy a $50mil jet for its executives...
my stomach hurts @ the thought

Its a vicious cycle! I only get 3-4 hours of sleep at night which leaves me so tired I end up taking a nap in the afternoon that averages 2 hours which causes me not to sleep at night and only get 3-4 hours.... Something has got to give, it'd be different if between the naps (cause thats all it is, multiple naps at different points in the day) I was getting 8 hours of sleep, but really I'm averaging 6 non-restorative hours which just makes the whole situation pointless.

Oh and I'm starting to worry I may have a tape worm or something because I'm eating like crazy and then before you know it I'm hungry again. When I say eating I mean like breakfast @ 9am three packets of oatmeal and some sausage; snack @11 two packs lance snack cracker packs; lunch @ 1 or 2 two turkey sandwhichs and chips, maybe a little debbie; Dinner @ 5 or 6 whatever Momma cooks, but usually eating more than Dad; snack @ 8 two turkey sandwhiches and a pudding cup; snack @ 11 two to three lance snack cracker packs, and if i'm still up I start getting hungry again around 1am but I try not to eat anything then. So yeah, thats A LOT of food I'm eating (thats the weekend schedule, but weekdays aren't that much better). And despite all that food, I'm now officially down to a size 8, I can now pull my size 10s off with out unbuttoning a thing, and Daddy's had to add holes to my belts because they're all too big. Somethign is not right

Maybe there's something wrong with me, or I'm missing something so someone please help me understand:

A metro county here screens all their inmates' immigration status while being processed for jail. Those inmates found to be in the US illegally are then referred to INS for deportation. There is a group that is PROTESTING this.

Again, maybe its just me, but what's wrong with deporting an ILLEGAL CRIMINAL!? I do not believe in the raids where police just show up and ask people to prove their status. But YOU committed a crime, on top of being here illegally, and you got caught, why should you remain in this country? Why should tax-payer dollars be spent to clothe, house, and feed your criminal behind? When you had the chance to make a positive contribution to society you chose to be deviant, and now we're not supposed to ship your butt back just cause this is America!? Something is seriously wrong with this picture. Millions of other immigrants come here and lead decent lives, other illegals come here and live decent lives, but we're supposed to make exceptions for CRIMINALS!? People we have bigger issues that you could be advocating for. Where is the passion for action on people who abuse children and the elderly? What about a passion to crack down on crime in the first place? Again, maybe its just me, and somewhere I got some thing twisted, but srsly?!?

Emotionally I'm feeling really weird right now. By accident I caught up with Lovey online and we talked. This is significant because we actually haven't talked since things ended last year. And things never officially ended beyond he stopped calling and then around October/November his facebook chnged to that he was in a relationship with the girl I kept telling him he was cheating on me with, and then around December it was changed to them being engaged. Well anyway, needless to say I had alot of stuff to get off my chest, like how he handled the situation and how he really broke my heart and stuff. And I brought up the fact that I almost fucked up my life because he decided he wanted another baby, and we were very actively trying to make that happen but then I chickened out and put myself back on birth control, and how he was so upset at my choice. Anyway, all that is to say I feel better to have gotten that all off my chest and it also makes me realize and appreciate the man in my life.

Every day is not sunshine and roses, matter of fact this weekend we were on rocky ground, but at the end of the day, the love I have for this man is so over and beyond the love I've ever had for anybody else. I thought it was kinda lame but romantic when I heard it on Diary of a Mad Black Woman, but now I understand when I'm away from him for more than an hour I miss him, I pray for him more than I pray for me, and I carry him in my spirit...

So we accidently began looking at wedding dresses, bridesmaids gowns, and wedding rings last night. For those that didn't read my last post, I'm engaged to a wonderful man. It was interesting (in a good way) to see where our taste meshed and differed. We both liked my dress, but didn't agree on the bridesmaid dresses. He's definitely into bling, I'm mixed on diamonds but love big jewelry. The planning process is going to be fun! This weekend we're going to start looking for a place. we both want a single family home but there are some ridiculously sweet deals on brand new townhomes in our area so we've got decisions to make.

yesterday was not a good day at work, my tuesday/thursday vlass is more than a handful, but I think part of it is they are still learning that unlike all the other adults in their lives I actually set limits and expect them to function within those limits. I have a potential special needs child but his parents appear to not notice, we'll see though. But even as I sit here and "complain" I must say, my worst day here is still better than my best day at the old job- thank you God!

Time to go to work. I decided to keep my journal...

Nobody reads this damn thing and lately I've barely posted; maybe I should delete this thing?

It's the new year, I'm alive, and God is G O O D!

I've been contemplating if I was going to do some long drawn out post because it's the new year and because I haven't posted in awhile, but then I didn't feel like it, but then I felt like writing so we'll just see where this post takes me:

1. New Years- In a way I was looking forward to New Years this year and in a way I wasn't it's just another day. I didn't really have plans but at the last minute Nisa was like "lets make tacos and hang out" and that's exactly what we did, and I'm cool with that. I brought in my new years with two of my best friends and two really cool new people I'm enjoying getting to know.

2. Resolutions- This is the first year EVER that I've actually accomplished my resolutions. In all honesty I stopped making resolutions and started calling them "Things I'd like to see happen in the new year, but if they don't I won't be too upset" because that's my general feeling about them. But anyway, they were to:

He makes me happy. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. But can I trust him with my heart? A little voice says "yes" but will the fear be too much...

Yeah, I've missed my weekly update by like 2 weeks but whatever. God is still working and moving in my life, and I'm to a point where I'm not sweating the small stuff and really just trusting in Him and His word. My hair is starting to grow back in (yeah it was THAT bad my hair had starting falling out and MAJORLY thinning, it was not cute, the only plus side was since I have loc's it made my hair appear longer but my locs were so weak that they were in danger of breaking and falling off- not cute).

Anyway, the reason I was compelled to post, today I was faced hard on about how precious life really is. First, after a very lovely church service, my family came home to a phone call that my aunt, who is battling her 2nd bout of cancer, was put in ICU this morning. We change clothes and rush the 150+ miles to where she lives to go and see about her, she's been in the hospital for a week already because she was dehydrated and complaining of shortness of breath, and apparently her tumor has grown larger with the chemo treatments instead of shrunken like its supposed to. While in the hospital she has contracted pnuemonia and her pulse began racing and they couldn't get it under control.

But thats not why life is precious...During the  1 1/2 hours we were there to visit her, TWO people in the ICU died and another's family was waiting with baited breath because the doctors didn't forsee that person making it until the morning. It was heartwrenching to see those families and thier pain. One was a adult, somehow she had a hole in her intestines and all that toxic stuff was leaking into her body, as they were preparing her for surgery she stopped breathing, they were doing all they could but between the leak and her respitory arrest there was just nothing they could do, and to have to watch/hear that woman's less than 16 year old daughter tell her grandmother "She's not gonna make it, the doctors say it's a matter of minutes" and break down crying. WAY TO MUCH!

Then the other patient was a THIRTEEN year old boy. Apparently him and a sister/cousin/friend(?) were riding their ATV when a truck hit them. He did not survive his injuries and there was very little hope for the girl to survive either. I think that was even harder to witness, knowing the victims were so young. Then another youth showed up, he must have also been involved in the accident because his face and head was all scratched and scraped up and he kept saying "I'm not going anywhere until I know they're ok" as people pleaded with him to go get care for himself, and then they found out the boy had passed.

I know that God makes no mistakes, but I've never been that close to death and it was very emotional for me. But it also made me very grateful, because although my Aunt is in that same ICU, when I went back to see her, she was talking, watching TV, and eating on her will, her placement in ICU was more of a preventative move. So I thank God for that, and for the life He continues to give to me.

If you haven't told your loved ones you love them late, please do so, and NOW, because you really never know what's just aroun dthe bend...

I guess it's time for my weekly update lol.

This morning I was getting ready for church, and I started thinking (and we all know thinking is a dangerous thing for me). On the Tom Joyner Morning Show one day they were talking about fyne women and how no matter how fyne a woman is, there is some man somewhere looking at her and thinking "I done with you and your mess" (or something to the effect). Their example was Halle Berry, everybody knows she's fyne, but yet she's got 2 ex-husbands. They were cracking jokes about it and such. Anyway, the point to all this is, as Ive been yet again re-examining my love life, I feel like maybe I'm suffering from Halle Berry Syndrome. I have no shortage of men wanting my attention, but after a certain point them fools aint sticking around. I'm a smart enough woman to know that I can't always say "its them not me" cause the common denominator is me, so the lack of lasting relationships is my fault as well, so I'm working on that. Anyway that's all I want to say on that because it's what happened after I arrived at church that got me stoked enough to even want to post.

I was sitting in church thinking, (and again, we've determined thinking is not my friend) when I started examining my 2008 thus far as we're halfway through the 10th month. We all know I've been going through somethings lately cause that's all I've been talking about lately. Well, sitting there in church enjoying women's day God laid something in my spirit that moved me to tears. I already knew through all this God was still working and moving through my life, but I was hit with a small glimpse of his bigger plan:

God is setting me up for something spectacular. Its not for me to know or figure out at this point, but to see His "Big Picture" it was just amazing!  See this is how God has been setting me up:

First, God helped me find my new church home where I am spirituallhy growing and surrounded by a wonderful church family, that inspires me to become better in Christ and do/be more.

Second, God sent me to a Christian-based school to work at. As much as I dislike my job, the truth of the matter is, my coworkers are all believers, we're all in different places in our walk, but God is working through people in that place, especially my two best work friends. They are similar to me but different, but most of all they are believers. I can just be me with them, but then some, because I can be fully me around them. They know the difficulty of trying to live a righteous life, and they stumble too, and we build each other up with not just friendship and love, but with prayer and faithfulness too.

Third, God sent me to a Christian-based school to finish my degree. I've been telling people about how refreshing it is that not only is it acceptable to talk about God its encouraged. We pray before class starts, we pray before class ends, there is this level of support that was lacking when I was in just a regular school. It's hard to put into words, but the atmosphere is definitely different and more positive, but it's not all fanatical BSU "jesus is my homie!"

What all this has done is put other things into perspective for me. I could be wrong, but in my mind life works like this: you have work, friends/family, and self. The choices in either of those categories proportionately affects the others. Wrong choice in a job and your friends/family and self suffer. Issues with your friends/family affect your self and work. God has made moved in work and friends/family to move me to where He wants me to be, and as I show faithfulness and steadfast-ness with those he will bless me in other areas, namely the love he wants me to have with my future husband.

I know I'm kinda rambling and stuff, its hard for me to put it into words, but right now I feel so good and positive!

I'm in the process of attempting to banish the word CAN'T from my life. There is no place for it. I'm sure there are and will be situations where it seems "can't" would be perfectly acceptable, but not for me. From this point on can't does not exisit; however, I will allow for an acceptable substitute. There is nothing I CAN'T do but there are situations and circumstances where I do not possess the skill, knowledge, or resources to perform the necessary tasks. Can't implies that one is unable to do something; however (i need a new word for however lol) I am able to do things when given the necessary ( i need a new word for necessary lol) tools. And that is the end of that.

So anyway, I start school tonight, and I'm excited but nervous. Whoo-hoo to new beginnings in 08!

this post ended up sucking cause i can't do not have enough motivation to stay focused. I'll try again later.

Oh and to all my LJ friends, thanks for not cutting me off your f-list as I go through this rough time, I'll be back to me soon!

I've been trying to write this post for roughly 4 hours now- starting, stopping, editing, rearranging. erasing- I think I don't really want to write this, but feel I need to just to get some stuff out of my head; its way too crowded in there.

I know I've said it quite a few times, but I am really going through some things right now. On the outside, on a superficial level, my life seems pretty good, but deep down... yeah lets not even finish that sentence.

I feel really bad, I flaked on a friend on Sunday, but I really needed to be in church. In the end, I stand by my decision because church was SO on point, and I got a much needed message.

( What's been going on... )

Speaking of which, I've been going out almost every night on the weekends, but I've been having a blast. I thrive off attention (hey I already admitted to being an attention whore) and I get alot of attention lately, plus I just like to have fun. So for a few hours a weekend I throw my troubles out my mind and dance like nobody's watching and laugh like sadness doesn't exist. And I get to flirt with random men.

Men...we alredy know how me and men go. That's interesting. Fugitive called me from jail. He actually calls me several times a week but he knows I don't accept collect calls so he's gotten smart, when he's supposed to say his name, he says whatever message he wants me to hear. And when he really wants to talk, he calls his mom collect and then she calls me on her cellphone and then put us on speakerphone. (SMH at how blacks folks get real ingenious when it's time to get over on something, but ain't got the wherewithall to do something positive). I wrote him a letter about how I was feeling about him being locked up again, and us and all that good stuff, so tonights message was that he wrote me back so we'll see what he has to say. As far as men not on a state-sponsored vacation...Richard informed me tonight that he more than likely will be moving back to Denver. Then there's Colorox...no comment on him right now, too new, but we'll see where that goes. Then theres...The Light...ah the light *big smile crosses my face*, I would give it all up for the Light. Its only been 3 weeks (wow! 3 weeks already!?) but something about him...I just smile. I don't even want to say anything else about him...just know that he is the Light (until something goes wrong and my fickle butt turns to someone else lol smh @ me falling in and out of love every few months). Sigh.

I think its safe to wrap this up, my mind feels a tad emptier, plus i dozed off like twice while typing this. There's so much more going on and that I need to get out, but this was enough for now

I am growing weary from this fight. My body is tired, my soul aches, my breath becomes more labored with each moment; and yet I refuse to go down. I can't give up, even when every fiber says "quit! quit now, we are at the limit!" the drive keeps going. My own mind says "you can't" my own body says "i won't" and my heart says "its over" and yet I can't stop. Something somewhere refuses to listen and says "just one more! just one more" yet when I do that one more, when I jump that hurdle, its only to land in a pit or to hit a wall, and yet I continue aiming for just one more...

when will I reach the finish line? when will the final bell ring? is there even an end, will I recognize it when it comes? I don't know, but I guess until then- just one more...

God works in mysterious ways, and turns what seems negative into blessings! So I went to see Richard last night cause it'd been a month and I had some free time and whatnot. I ended up spending the night, and although we fussed a bit, overall it was still good. I think the honeymoon phase is over, but that's a good thing because we gotta get to know the good and the bad. Anyway, long story short, I wake up to go to work this morning...

I'm *SURE* I'm going to regret this later, but I just don't feel like going to work today. No real reason beyond I just don't feel like dealing with them people going. Work is actually semi-getting better (mostly because I force myself to be positive instead of going in there all negative and funky, then wondering why I'm having a bad day). But I dunno, my mind is refusing to make my body work or do anything that remotely resembles an attempt to make it to work. I don't even have a good enough excuse to call in with
<= calls in and says "Uhm I wont be in today, I'm in a coma, but I'll be out of it tomorrow"

But I think I will sleep some, maybe try to clean up the place a little bit, and pay this bill that's been haunting me. Darn I'm going to miss flirting with banker today!

something's gotta give soon, I just hope it's not my mind...

there is something seriously wrong with the state of mind of black men today; and you'll be hard pressed to convince me differently. between the total lack of responsibility and lack of respect for the black woman, black men have seriously got something twisted. and the next one who comes at me on some bullshit, will find his little feelings hurt, cause i'll be doggone if I will treat you with the respect of man when you find it acceptable to behave as a boy. I'm about thisclose to dating outside the race, cause I can't take this mess any more!!

I have GOT to calm down, ASAP, as in like yesterday! I am so wound up and stressed out right now, and it's so unlike me. Even worse it's beginning to show up on my face, and I can not be one of those women walking around looking stressed out, I am too good looking for all that. All this sexiness can't handle the reprecussions of all this mess going on right now.

As I periodically do, I am reassessing the master plan, including decisions about school, work, living situation, love life, etc. I have got to work on my prayer, cause right now I need to be having some serious conversations with God, cause I need/want/must have Him ordering my steps right now.

In other news, my mother and I are continuing to become close, and I like it. We're finally viewing each other as two human beings and not just mother/daughter. However, the new found relationship comes with some interesting times. Like yesterday, I told her I wasn't coming home after my date, implying I would be sleeping over with dude (she knows who dude is), and I can't remember what all was said, but at some point I said no sex would be had, and her response was priceless:

Even a confused heart can spot a counterfit; and it doesn't hesitate to let you know that it just doesn't feel the same...

!!ARRGH!!
*tears*

I hate broke ass men, and yet I seem to always end up messing with one. From this day forth I declare I am quitting broke ass men cold turkey! ugh!!
If you don't have a job AND your own place don't even look in my direction!

Anyway, I'm spending this weekend in the Ft. Lauderdale/Miami area and I am so excited. I promise not to let my family get on my nerves cause I *need* this get away. I refuse to even think about anything back in Georgia the entire weekend, those stressors will be there when I return.

looking at the news and the reports about the wildfires in California, several small weather-related fires here in Georgia, and just the general kookiness of the weather; and I remember this old old hymn we used to sing in church. I don't remember any of the verses, the bridge, or chorus, I just remember this one line- "it won't be water, but fire next time"

think on that

*still no internet with so much to talk about. ugh!*

can you say I AM GOING THROUGH IT! I thought I was being tested back in february/march, but that was just the warm up. I am stronger than what the enemy is throwing at me, and my greatness will not be denied, and the enemy knows this, and is trying to delay it. He almost got me, but I'm hip to his game, and he just don't know who he messing with!




*on a side note, I need internet at the house, this sucks, but my days are bed by 730pm and weekends are jammed pack

I need to remind myself to make posts about:
x pills
mlk & malcolm x
playing with fire
work
apartment

not having internet at home really sucks!

it just cost me $46 to fill up the tank on my Saturn. This is effing ridiculous. and while economical, public transit would increase mycommute from 15 minutes to 92 minutes so uhm yeah... although its looking mighty tempting at this rate...

Here are the rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you 5 questions of a very personal nature.
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them 5 questions

Here is my interview by monster6

1.What has made you question your success this year?
    I have questioned my success this year because I feel like I have yet to really achieve any success. I've hit a very rough and rocky place in my education and career, and while they don't necessarily define me, they are a major part of my identity. So not being in school, but so close to graduation, and seeing what I thought was my dream job turn out to be some straight BS followed by getting a job I HATE.yeah that doesn't equal success in my book. Couple that with a floundering love life and touch & go health issues...so far 08 has not been very successful, but I still have the rest of the year to turn it around.

2.What cartoon character best describes you?
    Pussyfoot from the WB characters. She's very unknown, but she's the little black cat that always accidently ends up with a white stripe down her back resulting in the unwanted affections of Pepe Le Pew, until fate steps in and she gets wet thereby washing away her stripe, and offering her some escape from Mr. Le Pew.
    I  identify with her because, well other than her being a kind of sexy cat (lol). I often find myself in a situation where I'm the recipient of unwanted affection. She never has any speaking lines; and while I love to talk, like Pussyfoot I am very observant; or try to be. In the few "episodes" without Pepe Le Pew, Pussyfoot is known to befriend a big brown bulldog (maybe pitbull?) who serves as her protector allowing her to snuggle and sleep in his fat folds. I am known (in the past) to befriend big burly football player types who serve as my protector and well, I literally sometimes snuggle and sleep in their fat folds so...lol
    But in all seriousness, she's just trying to find her place in the world, and sometimes finds herself in awkward positions/situations, often seemingly unknowning how she arrived there, and desperately fighting to remove herself and return to normal life. And that sums my life, tying it up in a neat little bow.
3. Tell me what it is about life that makes you want to live it.
    The unknowns of life make me want to live it. I am so curious to see just what will happen next. What will I experience, see, feel, taste, learn next. That's really what gets me out of bed in the morning, the eagerness to see what  makes today different from yesterday, that was different from two weeks ago, thats different from 15 years ago. And the fact that I know that each day will be different, despite any efforts by myself or others, something is bound to be different each and every day, and ultimately I have no control or knowledge of what the difference will be.

4. Who is the reason that you smile everyday?
    Wow, hard question. Hmm.... God, first and foremost, because he has given me yet another day, which lets me know he's not through with me yet, and despite how bleak things are at the time, I have some purpose I haven't yet fulfilled. I think that bit of knowledge has kept me from crossing the brink of insanity many, many times, because life is hard.
    Right now, my new "boo" also makes me smile everyday. I look forward to talking to him and the weekends when I can see him. Just hearing him say "how's mama doing today" just brightens my day.

5. Tell me a story.
    Tell you a story...could you be in more vague!? Uhm....
Can I get back to you on that one, I have so many many stories I can't just choose which one, my life is it's own reality show. Be more specific and I'll give you a really juicy one.

So I went to the doctor today. I don't have some weird death sickness lol. Although I never got an official diagnosis, they put me on antibiotics. The doctor was more concerned with my asthma, which apparently needed to be gotten under control. So I got a breathing treatment in office, and a new inhaler. I already feel better, my chest is not so tight and stuff, and even though I'm still coughing a bit, its definitely a looser and more productive cough.

In other news....I !finally! weighed myself- I've lost FORTY POUNDS!!! I knew I had lost weight, and I knew I had gone down two sizes, but I never would have guessed 40 pounds! I am so happy right now, I think I might go for another 20-30 and be done with it, but I dunno. I kinda like where I am now if I can just tighten up a bit.

It's not easy to do the right thing, especially when "right" is such a subjective concept. I mean some "rights" are objective, but in some cases not so much. Right now I'm at a crossroads because there are literally two right choices. It would be right for me to go to work tomorrow because it is expected that I am to be at work at my scheduled time and stay through my shift; however, it is also very much right for me to call-in and take my butt to the doctor.

I tried to do the "right" thing and let these people know "hey I'm not feeling well. I've been coughing for two weeks straight, I am coughing up green stuff, I am coughing to the point of vomiting" but these people handed me a cough drop and some generic Robitussin and sent me back into my classroom. And I understand their position, I was hired to do a job, etc etc. and I understand that they do rotating schedules to allow us to leave early some days to be able to handle business. Except there is one problem, in the 11 days I've worked there, I've only been given two early off days (should have been at least 5) to accommodate my "co-teacher's" scheduled off days and call-ins. And I understand she has seniority and she asked for these days off before they ever heard of me, let alone hired me, but the fact remains, I'm in that building from 9-6 everyday which means I'm at work during doctor's hours and unable to get an appointment. Yes I could go to one of those Walgreens clinics, but since I have yet to get paid, I don't have the $30-50 they charge, so I have to try to catch the health clinic at school where they only charge me $5 and I have 30 days to pay it (smh @ needing 30 days to pay off a $5 bill).

Anyway, all this is to say, tomorrow will likely find me calling in so I can go to the doctor and get this taken care of before it gets serious. At first I shrugged off the cough, and took some Tylenol Chest Congestion, which did NOTHING, then I started coughing up the green chunks about a week later, and that worried me. Now in addition to the cough and the green chunks, my lungs feel full and compressed, and its difficult to take in enough air unless I'm sitting still doing nothing.

 I think this is mostly because of nasty kid gems, but also God's way of telling me I made the wrong decision. I jumped on the first job offered instead of having faith and holding out for what I want. Teaching is an easy out for me. But I got a little jumbled in my walk, and sometimes I have difficulty discerning what God is saying to me (and yes I know, pray for discernment). I'm just in such a weird place because I know most of my issues are just the enemy having a field day with the fact that I'm not trusting like I should, but I know part of why I'm not trusting like I should is because the enemy is having such a field day on me right now. And I KNOW that because of all this havoc, without a doubt I should be trusting more, but it's just not happening that way. Then I get all upset and start beating myself up because I know what I need to be doing because its right, but it's just not working for me. Which brings us back to point number one... It's not easy to do the "right" thing.

Anyway, I'm 85% sure that school won't be seeing me tomorrow (and it's water play day! *sad face*) so that I can have somebody listen to my lungs. I'm sure its minor and they'll probably just prescribe antibiotics (which most are free at publix pharmacies!) but since I don't have a medical degree, and it clearly states on all cough medicine "seek medical help for a cough that persists for more than 7 days" I am going to do just that, and deal with the fall out from calling in later. Cause truth be told, I want them to make an issue cause then I'll feel justified in quitting, but I can't do that cause I don't have another job lined up. UGH!

I've got some serious decisions to make... I feel really bad, but as I start week 3 (dang, seriously already almost 3 weeks!?!) of this new job, I'm feeling it even less as the seconds, minutes, hours, and days tick by. What's even harder about it is that I know the problem is mainly me, because as I get to know more and more of my coworkers they are all "yeah I've worked here 8 years" or "I've been here 15 years" so if at 3 weeks I'm ready to quit..uhm that's TOTALLY all on me. But I am just NOT feeling it, and it really takes all of my mental willpower to get out of bed and go each morning, and I don't want that. I want to be happy to go to work, if not happy, I want to at least not dread the idea of going. While I'm actually at work, things aren't bad really, I only have 8 babies and they are the sweetest happy-go-lucky little things. They poop like crazy but it aint even that stanking "what died in you" kind poop and they really only cry when they need something. I got one little boy that gets into EVERYTHING, but I know mostly it's cause he's bored out of his mind because nothing in the room is age-appropriate nor interesting, so of course it's more fun to open the cabinet and toss out all the diapers than to play with a stuffed animal and a rattle. But I digress. I am just not happy, and while the kids seem to already love me, and the parents seem very pleased with my work thus far, I think I am doing everyone (myself included) a disservice by being there knowing my heart isn't in it. And I feel like the longer I stay I will end up trapped, and one day I will wake up and look around and will have been there 10 years, and the thought makes me want to run screaming out into traffic. But the pay is actually quite decent for the industry, and they go above and beyond on the benefits thing (full medical, dental, and a 401k) which is almost unheard of in the childcare business, but honestly that dosen't do much for me. Yeah I have daydreams of finally being able to go to a real doctor, the prospect of !finally! getting braces, and even the possibility of being able to get my breast reduction, but I don't think I will make it through the 90 day probationary period without putting a bullet in my head. I am SO unhappy. I'm trying not to complain and all that jazz, but damnit, this is not what I want to do with my life, even temporary. But I definitely have no money coming in, nor any job offers :o(

In other news, I am pretty much happy with everything else in my life. I'm working on something I'm not totally read to let the world in on yet, but it's cool, and the future potential seems pretty great, so I'm ok with riding that roller coaster. However, the whole "getting an education" thing...yeah probably a total wash, which pisses me off to the nth degree, but I'm tired of trying to make that square peg fit into a round hole, maybe I'm just not meant to have a college degree. God, I just need to know what you want from me, cause I dang sure can't (and don't want) to do it on my own. I just want to be on the right path,doing the right things, I need to hear a word from You, cause I don't know what to do. Please direct my path!

ETA (i don't even know what that means smh but anyway) Maybe this is why I do crazy things like go to random hotel rooms, and meet random men, for that little rush of excitement, and the thought of trying to control something totally uncontrollable? Cause Lord knows right now, truth be told, although I know God is ultimately in control, my life is so out of control right now!

I love a man that can carry an intelligent  conversation, not just about current events but correct historical references, and even able to weave historical context to the current events.  And I love a man not afraid to show real affection to his woman. But why when I find men like that, I am never the woman on the receiving end because they are already taken. *sigh*

I went back over to hang with "the couple" , we watched movies and just talked, they may look street but they are some very intelligent people. Not in that overbearing I'm better than you kinda smart, but that hey I actually know what's going on in the world and don't mind talking about it while I drink my beer kinda smart lol. The girl of "the couple" has a brother and he came home and he's intelligent as well, and alas taken. But still the evening was nice...