LX's Ramblings...

Over 71,000 people lost their jobs yesterday... Really America, really? This is the best we can do for our citizens? Oh and Citibank decided to use some of its bailout money to buy a $50mil jet for its executives...
my stomach hurts @ the thought

Its a vicious cycle! I only get 3-4 hours of sleep at night which leaves me so tired I end up taking a nap in the afternoon that averages 2 hours which causes me not to sleep at night and only get 3-4 hours.... Something has got to give, it'd be different if between the naps (cause thats all it is, multiple naps at different points in the day) I was getting 8 hours of sleep, but really I'm averaging 6 non-restorative hours which just makes the whole situation pointless.

Oh and I'm starting to worry I may have a tape worm or something because I'm eating like crazy and then before you know it I'm hungry again. When I say eating I mean like breakfast @ 9am three packets of oatmeal and some sausage; snack @11 two packs lance snack cracker packs; lunch @ 1 or 2 two turkey sandwhichs and chips, maybe a little debbie; Dinner @ 5 or 6 whatever Momma cooks, but usually eating more than Dad; snack @ 8 two turkey sandwhiches and a pudding cup; snack @ 11 two to three lance snack cracker packs, and if i'm still up I start getting hungry again around 1am but I try not to eat anything then. So yeah, thats A LOT of food I'm eating (thats the weekend schedule, but weekdays aren't that much better). And despite all that food, I'm now officially down to a size 8, I can now pull my size 10s off with out unbuttoning a thing, and Daddy's had to add holes to my belts because they're all too big. Somethign is not right

Maybe there's something wrong with me, or I'm missing something so someone please help me understand:

A metro county here screens all their inmates' immigration status while being processed for jail. Those inmates found to be in the US illegally are then referred to INS for deportation. There is a group that is PROTESTING this.

Again, maybe its just me, but what's wrong with deporting an ILLEGAL CRIMINAL!? I do not believe in the raids where police just show up and ask people to prove their status. But YOU committed a crime, on top of being here illegally, and you got caught, why should you remain in this country? Why should tax-payer dollars be spent to clothe, house, and feed your criminal behind? When you had the chance to make a positive contribution to society you chose to be deviant, and now we're not supposed to ship your butt back just cause this is America!? Something is seriously wrong with this picture. Millions of other immigrants come here and lead decent lives, other illegals come here and live decent lives, but we're supposed to make exceptions for CRIMINALS!? People we have bigger issues that you could be advocating for. Where is the passion for action on people who abuse children and the elderly? What about a passion to crack down on crime in the first place? Again, maybe its just me, and somewhere I got some thing twisted, but srsly?!?

Emotionally I'm feeling really weird right now. By accident I caught up with Lovey online and we talked. This is significant because we actually haven't talked since things ended last year. And things never officially ended beyond he stopped calling and then around October/November his facebook chnged to that he was in a relationship with the girl I kept telling him he was cheating on me with, and then around December it was changed to them being engaged. Well anyway, needless to say I had alot of stuff to get off my chest, like how he handled the situation and how he really broke my heart and stuff. And I brought up the fact that I almost fucked up my life because he decided he wanted another baby, and we were very actively trying to make that happen but then I chickened out and put myself back on birth control, and how he was so upset at my choice. Anyway, all that is to say I feel better to have gotten that all off my chest and it also makes me realize and appreciate the man in my life.

Every day is not sunshine and roses, matter of fact this weekend we were on rocky ground, but at the end of the day, the love I have for this man is so over and beyond the love I've ever had for anybody else. I thought it was kinda lame but romantic when I heard it on Diary of a Mad Black Woman, but now I understand when I'm away from him for more than an hour I miss him, I pray for him more than I pray for me, and I carry him in my spirit...

So we accidently began looking at wedding dresses, bridesmaids gowns, and wedding rings last night. For those that didn't read my last post, I'm engaged to a wonderful man. It was interesting (in a good way) to see where our taste meshed and differed. We both liked my dress, but didn't agree on the bridesmaid dresses. He's definitely into bling, I'm mixed on diamonds but love big jewelry. The planning process is going to be fun! This weekend we're going to start looking for a place. we both want a single family home but there are some ridiculously sweet deals on brand new townhomes in our area so we've got decisions to make.

yesterday was not a good day at work, my tuesday/thursday vlass is more than a handful, but I think part of it is they are still learning that unlike all the other adults in their lives I actually set limits and expect them to function within those limits. I have a potential special needs child but his parents appear to not notice, we'll see though. But even as I sit here and "complain" I must say, my worst day here is still better than my best day at the old job- thank you God!

Time to go to work. I decided to keep my journal...

Nobody reads this damn thing and lately I've barely posted; maybe I should delete this thing?

It's the new year, I'm alive, and God is G O O D!

I've been contemplating if I was going to do some long drawn out post because it's the new year and because I haven't posted in awhile, but then I didn't feel like it, but then I felt like writing so we'll just see where this post takes me:

1. New Years- In a way I was looking forward to New Years this year and in a way I wasn't it's just another day. I didn't really have plans but at the last minute Nisa was like "lets make tacos and hang out" and that's exactly what we did, and I'm cool with that. I brought in my new years with two of my best friends and two really cool new people I'm enjoying getting to know.

2. Resolutions- This is the first year EVER that I've actually accomplished my resolutions. In all honesty I stopped making resolutions and started calling them "Things I'd like to see happen in the new year, but if they don't I won't be too upset" because that's my general feeling about them. But anyway, they were to:

He makes me happy. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. But can I trust him with my heart? A little voice says "yes" but will the fear be too much...

Yeah, I've missed my weekly update by like 2 weeks but whatever. God is still working and moving in my life, and I'm to a point where I'm not sweating the small stuff and really just trusting in Him and His word. My hair is starting to grow back in (yeah it was THAT bad my hair had starting falling out and MAJORLY thinning, it was not cute, the only plus side was since I have loc's it made my hair appear longer but my locs were so weak that they were in danger of breaking and falling off- not cute).

Anyway, the reason I was compelled to post, today I was faced hard on about how precious life really is. First, after a very lovely church service, my family came home to a phone call that my aunt, who is battling her 2nd bout of cancer, was put in ICU this morning. We change clothes and rush the 150+ miles to where she lives to go and see about her, she's been in the hospital for a week already because she was dehydrated and complaining of shortness of breath, and apparently her tumor has grown larger with the chemo treatments instead of shrunken like its supposed to. While in the hospital she has contracted pnuemonia and her pulse began racing and they couldn't get it under control.

But thats not why life is precious...During the  1 1/2 hours we were there to visit her, TWO people in the ICU died and another's family was waiting with baited breath because the doctors didn't forsee that person making it until the morning. It was heartwrenching to see those families and thier pain. One was a adult, somehow she had a hole in her intestines and all that toxic stuff was leaking into her body, as they were preparing her for surgery she stopped breathing, they were doing all they could but between the leak and her respitory arrest there was just nothing they could do, and to have to watch/hear that woman's less than 16 year old daughter tell her grandmother "She's not gonna make it, the doctors say it's a matter of minutes" and break down crying. WAY TO MUCH!

Then the other patient was a THIRTEEN year old boy. Apparently him and a sister/cousin/friend(?) were riding their ATV when a truck hit them. He did not survive his injuries and there was very little hope for the girl to survive either. I think that was even harder to witness, knowing the victims were so young. Then another youth showed up, he must have also been involved in the accident because his face and head was all scratched and scraped up and he kept saying "I'm not going anywhere until I know they're ok" as people pleaded with him to go get care for himself, and then they found out the boy had passed.

I know that God makes no mistakes, but I've never been that close to death and it was very emotional for me. But it also made me very grateful, because although my Aunt is in that same ICU, when I went back to see her, she was talking, watching TV, and eating on her will, her placement in ICU was more of a preventative move. So I thank God for that, and for the life He continues to give to me.

If you haven't told your loved ones you love them late, please do so, and NOW, because you really never know what's just aroun dthe bend...

I guess it's time for my weekly update lol.

This morning I was getting ready for church, and I started thinking (and we all know thinking is a dangerous thing for me). On the Tom Joyner Morning Show one day they were talking about fyne women and how no matter how fyne a woman is, there is some man somewhere looking at her and thinking "I done with you and your mess" (or something to the effect). Their example was Halle Berry, everybody knows she's fyne, but yet she's got 2 ex-husbands. They were cracking jokes about it and such. Anyway, the point to all this is, as Ive been yet again re-examining my love life, I feel like maybe I'm suffering from Halle Berry Syndrome. I have no shortage of men wanting my attention, but after a certain point them fools aint sticking around. I'm a smart enough woman to know that I can't always say "its them not me" cause the common denominator is me, so the lack of lasting relationships is my fault as well, so I'm working on that. Anyway that's all I want to say on that because it's what happened after I arrived at church that got me stoked enough to even want to post.

I was sitting in church thinking, (and again, we've determined thinking is not my friend) when I started examining my 2008 thus far as we're halfway through the 10th month. We all know I've been going through somethings lately cause that's all I've been talking about lately. Well, sitting there in church enjoying women's day God laid something in my spirit that moved me to tears. I already knew through all this God was still working and moving through my life, but I was hit with a small glimpse of his bigger plan:

God is setting me up for something spectacular. Its not for me to know or figure out at this point, but to see His "Big Picture" it was just amazing!  See this is how God has been setting me up:

First, God helped me find my new church home where I am spirituallhy growing and surrounded by a wonderful church family, that inspires me to become better in Christ and do/be more.

Second, God sent me to a Christian-based school to work at. As much as I dislike my job, the truth of the matter is, my coworkers are all believers, we're all in different places in our walk, but God is working through people in that place, especially my two best work friends. They are similar to me but different, but most of all they are believers. I can just be me with them, but then some, because I can be fully me around them. They know the difficulty of trying to live a righteous life, and they stumble too, and we build each other up with not just friendship and love, but with prayer and faithfulness too.

Third, God sent me to a Christian-based school to finish my degree. I've been telling people about how refreshing it is that not only is it acceptable to talk about God its encouraged. We pray before class starts, we pray before class ends, there is this level of support that was lacking when I was in just a regular school. It's hard to put into words, but the atmosphere is definitely different and more positive, but it's not all fanatical BSU "jesus is my homie!"

What all this has done is put other things into perspective for me. I could be wrong, but in my mind life works like this: you have work, friends/family, and self. The choices in either of those categories proportionately affects the others. Wrong choice in a job and your friends/family and self suffer. Issues with your friends/family affect your self and work. God has made moved in work and friends/family to move me to where He wants me to be, and as I show faithfulness and steadfast-ness with those he will bless me in other areas, namely the love he wants me to have with my future husband.

I know I'm kinda rambling and stuff, its hard for me to put it into words, but right now I feel so good and positive!

I'm in the process of attempting to banish the word CAN'T from my life. There is no place for it. I'm sure there are and will be situations where it seems "can't" would be perfectly acceptable, but not for me. From this point on can't does not exisit; however, I will allow for an acceptable substitute. There is nothing I CAN'T do but there are situations and circumstances where I do not possess the skill, knowledge, or resources to perform the necessary tasks. Can't implies that one is unable to do something; however (i need a new word for however lol) I am able to do things when given the necessary ( i need a new word for necessary lol) tools. And that is the end of that.

So anyway, I start school tonight, and I'm excited but nervous. Whoo-hoo to new beginnings in 08!

this post ended up sucking cause i can't do not have enough motivation to stay focused. I'll try again later.

Oh and to all my LJ friends, thanks for not cutting me off your f-list as I go through this rough time, I'll be back to me soon!

I've been trying to write this post for roughly 4 hours now- starting, stopping, editing, rearranging. erasing- I think I don't really want to write this, but feel I need to just to get some stuff out of my head; its way too crowded in there.

I know I've said it quite a few times, but I am really going through some things right now. On the outside, on a superficial level, my life seems pretty good, but deep down... yeah lets not even finish that sentence.

I feel really bad, I flaked on a friend on Sunday, but I really needed to be in church. In the end, I stand by my decision because church was SO on point, and I got a much needed message.

( What's been going on... )

Speaking of which, I've been going out almost every night on the weekends, but I've been having a blast. I thrive off attention (hey I already admitted to being an attention whore) and I get alot of attention lately, plus I just like to have fun. So for a few hours a weekend I throw my troubles out my mind and dance like nobody's watching and laugh like sadness doesn't exist. And I get to flirt with random men.

Men...we alredy know how me and men go. That's interesting. Fugitive called me from jail. He actually calls me several times a week but he knows I don't accept collect calls so he's gotten smart, when he's supposed to say his name, he says whatever message he wants me to hear. And when he really wants to talk, he calls his mom collect and then she calls me on her cellphone and then put us on speakerphone. (SMH at how blacks folks get real ingenious when it's time to get over on something, but ain't got the wherewithall to do something positive). I wrote him a letter about how I was feeling about him being locked up again, and us and all that good stuff, so tonights message was that he wrote me back so we'll see what he has to say. As far as men not on a state-sponsored vacation...Richard informed me tonight that he more than likely will be moving back to Denver. Then there's Colorox...no comment on him right now, too new, but we'll see where that goes. Then theres...The Light...ah the light *big smile crosses my face*, I would give it all up for the Light. Its only been 3 weeks (wow! 3 weeks already!?) but something about him...I just smile. I don't even want to say anything else about him...just know that he is the Light (until something goes wrong and my fickle butt turns to someone else lol smh @ me falling in and out of love every few months). Sigh.

I think its safe to wrap this up, my mind feels a tad emptier, plus i dozed off like twice while typing this. There's so much more going on and that I need to get out, but this was enough for now

I am growing weary from this fight. My body is tired, my soul aches, my breath becomes more labored with each moment; and yet I refuse to go down. I can't give up, even when every fiber says "quit! quit now, we are at the limit!" the drive keeps going. My own mind says "you can't" my own body says "i won't" and my heart says "its over" and yet I can't stop. Something somewhere refuses to listen and says "just one more! just one more" yet when I do that one more, when I jump that hurdle, its only to land in a pit or to hit a wall, and yet I continue aiming for just one more...

when will I reach the finish line? when will the final bell ring? is there even an end, will I recognize it when it comes? I don't know, but I guess until then- just one more...

God works in mysterious ways, and turns what seems negative into blessings! So I went to see Richard last night cause it'd been a month and I had some free time and whatnot. I ended up spending the night, and although we fussed a bit, overall it was still good. I think the honeymoon phase is over, but that's a good thing because we gotta get to know the good and the bad. Anyway, long story short, I wake up to go to work this morning...

I'm *SURE* I'm going to regret this later, but I just don't feel like going to work today. No real reason beyond I just don't feel like dealing with them people going. Work is actually semi-getting better (mostly because I force myself to be positive instead of going in there all negative and funky, then wondering why I'm having a bad day). But I dunno, my mind is refusing to make my body work or do anything that remotely resembles an attempt to make it to work. I don't even have a good enough excuse to call in with
<= calls in and says "Uhm I wont be in today, I'm in a coma, but I'll be out of it tomorrow"

But I think I will sleep some, maybe try to clean up the place a little bit, and pay this bill that's been haunting me. Darn I'm going to miss flirting with banker today!

something's gotta give soon, I just hope it's not my mind...

there is something seriously wrong with the state of mind of black men today; and you'll be hard pressed to convince me differently. between the total lack of responsibility and lack of respect for the black woman, black men have seriously got something twisted. and the next one who comes at me on some bullshit, will find his little feelings hurt, cause i'll be doggone if I will treat you with the respect of man when you find it acceptable to behave as a boy. I'm about thisclose to dating outside the race, cause I can't take this mess any more!!

I have GOT to calm down, ASAP, as in like yesterday! I am so wound up and stressed out right now, and it's so unlike me. Even worse it's beginning to show up on my face, and I can not be one of those women walking around looking stressed out, I am too good looking for all that. All this sexiness can't handle the reprecussions of all this mess going on right now.

As I periodically do, I am reassessing the master plan, including decisions about school, work, living situation, love life, etc. I have got to work on my prayer, cause right now I need to be having some serious conversations with God, cause I need/want/must have Him ordering my steps right now.

In other news, my mother and I are continuing to become close, and I like it. We're finally viewing each other as two human beings and not just mother/daughter. However, the new found relationship comes with some interesting times. Like yesterday, I told her I wasn't coming home after my date, implying I would be sleeping over with dude (she knows who dude is), and I can't remember what all was said, but at some point I said no sex would be had, and her response was priceless:

Even a confused heart can spot a counterfit; and it doesn't hesitate to let you know that it just doesn't feel the same...

!!ARRGH!!
*tears*