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Insane Thoughts from deep inside my brain...

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Lex

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January 27th, 2009

Its disgusting really...

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Over 71,000 people lost their jobs yesterday... Really America, really? This is the best we can do for our citizens? Oh and Citibank decided to use some of its bailout money to buy a $50mil jet for its executives...
my stomach hurts @ the thought

January 26th, 2009

Argh!

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Its a vicious cycle! I only get 3-4 hours of sleep at night which leaves me so tired I end up taking a nap in the afternoon that averages 2 hours which causes me not to sleep at night and only get 3-4 hours.... Something has got to give, it'd be different if between the naps (cause thats all it is, multiple naps at different points in the day) I was getting 8 hours of sleep, but really I'm averaging 6 non-restorative hours which just makes the whole situation pointless.

Oh and I'm starting to worry I may have a tape worm or something because I'm eating like crazy and then before you know it I'm hungry again. When I say eating I mean like breakfast @ 9am three packets of oatmeal and some sausage; snack @11 two packs lance snack cracker packs; lunch @ 1 or 2 two turkey sandwhichs and chips, maybe a little debbie; Dinner @ 5 or 6 whatever Momma cooks, but usually eating more than Dad; snack @ 8 two turkey sandwhiches and a pudding cup; snack @ 11 two to three lance snack cracker packs, and if i'm still up I start getting hungry again around 1am but I try not to eat anything then. So yeah, thats A LOT of food I'm eating (thats the weekend schedule, but weekdays aren't that much better). And despite all that food, I'm now officially down to a size 8, I can now pull my size 10s off with out unbuttoning a thing, and Daddy's had to add holes to my belts because they're all too big. Somethign is not right

January 22nd, 2009

help me understand...

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Maybe there's something wrong with me, or I'm missing something so someone please help me understand:

A metro county here screens all their inmates' immigration status while being processed for jail. Those inmates found to be in the US illegally are then referred to INS for deportation. There is a group that is PROTESTING this.

Again, maybe its just me, but what's wrong with deporting an ILLEGAL CRIMINAL!? I do not believe in the raids where police just show up and ask people to prove their status. But YOU committed a crime, on top of being here illegally, and you got caught, why should you remain in this country? Why should tax-payer dollars be spent to clothe, house, and feed your criminal behind? When you had the chance to make a positive contribution to society you chose to be deviant, and now we're not supposed to ship your butt back just cause this is America!? Something is seriously wrong with this picture. Millions of other immigrants come here and lead decent lives, other illegals come here and live decent lives, but we're supposed to make exceptions for CRIMINALS!? People we have bigger issues that you could be advocating for. Where is the passion for action on people who abuse children and the elderly? What about a passion to crack down on crime in the first place? Again, maybe its just me, and somewhere I got some thing twisted, but srsly?!?

January 19th, 2009

A load off...

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Emotionally I'm feeling really weird right now. By accident I caught up with Lovey online and we talked. This is significant because we actually haven't talked since things ended last year. And things never officially ended beyond he stopped calling and then around October/November his facebook chnged to that he was in a relationship with the girl I kept telling him he was cheating on me with, and then around December it was changed to them being engaged. Well anyway, needless to say I had alot of stuff to get off my chest, like how he handled the situation and how he really broke my heart and stuff. And I brought up the fact that I almost fucked up my life because he decided he wanted another baby, and we were very actively trying to make that happen but then I chickened out and put myself back on birth control, and how he was so upset at my choice. Anyway, all that is to say I feel better to have gotten that all off my chest and it also makes me realize and appreciate the man in my life.

Every day is not sunshine and roses, matter of fact this weekend we were on rocky ground, but at the end of the day, the love I have for this man is so over and beyond the love I've ever had for anybody else. I thought it was kinda lame but romantic when I heard it on Diary of a Mad Black Woman, but now I understand when I'm away from him for more than an hour I miss him, I pray for him more than I pray for me, and I carry him in my spirit...

January 7th, 2009

I don't have a title...

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So we accidently began looking at wedding dresses, bridesmaids gowns, and wedding rings last night. For those that didn't read my last post, I'm engaged to a wonderful man. It was interesting (in a good way) to see where our taste meshed and differed. We both liked my dress, but didn't agree on the bridesmaid dresses. He's definitely into bling, I'm mixed on diamonds but love big jewelry. The planning process is going to be fun! This weekend we're going to start looking for a place. we both want a single family home but there are some ridiculously sweet deals on brand new townhomes in our area so we've got decisions to make.

yesterday was not a good day at work, my tuesday/thursday vlass is more than a handful, but I think part of it is they are still learning that unlike all the other adults in their lives I actually set limits and expect them to function within those limits. I have a potential special needs child but his parents appear to not notice, we'll see though. But even as I sit here and "complain" I must say, my worst day here is still better than my best day at the old job- thank you God!

Time to go to work. I decided to keep my journal...

January 6th, 2009

Just a thought...

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Nobody reads this damn thing and lately I've barely posted; maybe I should delete this thing?

January 1st, 2009

It's 2009?

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It's the new year, I'm alive, and God is G O O D!

I've been contemplating if I was going to do some long drawn out post because it's the new year and because I haven't posted in awhile, but then I didn't feel like it, but then I felt like writing so we'll just see where this post takes me:

1. New Years- In a way I was looking forward to New Years this year and in a way I wasn't it's just another day. I didn't really have plans but at the last minute Nisa was like "lets make tacos and hang out" and that's exactly what we did, and I'm cool with that. I brought in my new years with two of my best friends and two really cool new people I'm enjoying getting to know.

2. Resolutions- This is the first year EVER that I've actually accomplished my resolutions. In all honesty I stopped making resolutions and started calling them "Things I'd like to see happen in the new year, but if they don't I won't be too upset" because that's my general feeling about them. But anyway, they were to:
 
 
End the year healthier than I started it
 Which I really didn't think I would accomplish, especially after my brush with death in February, I'd pretty much given up. Even though health is something I can largely control, in the 12 months of 2008 I only had insurance coverage for about 3 of those which makes a BIG difference. I still have my respitory issues, but still here I sit 40+ pounds lighter, down from a size 16 to having my size 8 starting to sag :)
End the year more organized than I started it
This one is tricky, but it all technical senses of the word its true. I've been in the process of moving since October (ridiculous I know) but as I go through this I am getting rid of more and more stuff, and I've technically been living somewhere else (meaning I'm paying a whole lot of money for a storage locker cause that's basically all my house is) and I've whittled down alot of unneccessary clutter and mess because I had to adapt to a new space. Home hunt is still on but I'm giving myself til February so that I don't end up somewhere or in a situation I'm not comfortable with. (There is some mini drama along with that, but I let go and let God, and hopefully the friendship won't end over it, but the air definitely needs to be clear cause some things went down I don't heartily approve of, but I probably should have spoken up sooner, but the sitution kinda worked itself out beyond me and person not really talking so we'll see...)

3. Love life- That roller coaster took a big twisty turn at the end of the year. In the last quarter of 08 I let go of some old feelings from past relationships (mainly cause I had no choice lol)- Swann got married, and Oliver/Lovey got engaged (obviously both to someone else). These were two men I just knew I would marry and have their babies, but see how God knows more than we do? He removed those two and has blessed me with a WONDERFUL man, and basically I'm engaged- target wedding date is December 09. I have never been happier, even when I'm upset I'm still happy. Having him in my life has just been such a blessing, he inspires me to do better, and I inspire him, we're evenly yoked in our faith, and it just feels right. Being in something God ordained is so refreshing. More on this later.

4. Finances- Now THAT took a big roller coaster loop. But my finances are very much settling down. There was a time when I didn't know how I was gonna make it, and I was actually getting stressed out over it. I finally stopped stressing it, and again let go and let God and he is over and abundantly blessing me. I only have one outstanding debt of which I plan to deal with on Monday when their office opens. Other than that I have one credit card (under limit, managable balance) one store card (under limit managable balance) student loans (which I hope will be put deferrment once my paperwork arrives, but accounts are current and in forberence). Depending on what I decide on my living situation things will change even more.

5.Job- I absolutely LOVE my new job! The job situation was extremely bleak in 08, but as it stands right now, I'm just grateful and thankful I was blessed to even find a new job in this economy. On the surface my last job was actually a pretty good job, it just made my spirit unhappy because they were some devilish christian people, but I met two ladies who have fast become important fixtures in my life (one of whom ended up also getting a job at my new job). But the new job I get paid more and work less, I can't even begin to explain. I'm kinda back in a situation where I was thrown into somebody else's mess and it's up to me to fix it, however, this time the welcome was warmer and that makes a big difference. So now that I've been there 3 weeks and learned the ropes, its time to whip this place in shape.

6. Family- the only place in my life that needs work right now. I'm starting to painfully realize sometimes the only thing that makes a family a family is that they share the same blood. Praying real hard on that one, and I'm just gonna let God do his thing in 09 about that.

I guess this posted did end up being a long one, but whatever. Unfortunately my holidays were scarred because my Aunt passed away on Sunday. I still haven't really faced those emotions yet. I've now lost both of my "matriarchal" aunts. My parents both come from a large family and being 2nd youngest both of their parents had passed away before I was even a twinkle in my dad's eye. On my mom's side her 2nd oldest sister was the closest thing I had to a grandmother, she passed away 4 years ago of liver cancer. This recent aunt was my dad's oldest sister and on his sad she too was the closest thing I had to a grandmother, and she too died of liver cancer. Mind you these are two women who were not drinkers, or smokers or anything like that, but cancer was their fate. Anyway, I'm bout to load up the car so I can go be with everybody (I stayed home, the rest of the family already went down for the funeral, but it's not until Saturday). I hope everyone is doing well.
 
 
 

November 16th, 2008

*sigh*

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He makes me happy. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. But can I trust him with my heart? A little voice says "yes" but will the fear be too much...
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November 9th, 2008

Life, oh precious life

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Yeah, I've missed my weekly update by like 2 weeks but whatever. God is still working and moving in my life, and I'm to a point where I'm not sweating the small stuff and really just trusting in Him and His word. My hair is starting to grow back in (yeah it was THAT bad my hair had starting falling out and MAJORLY thinning, it was not cute, the only plus side was since I have loc's it made my hair appear longer but my locs were so weak that they were in danger of breaking and falling off- not cute).

Anyway, the reason I was compelled to post, today I was faced hard on about how precious life really is. First, after a very lovely church service, my family came home to a phone call that my aunt, who is battling her 2nd bout of cancer, was put in ICU this morning. We change clothes and rush the 150+ miles to where she lives to go and see about her, she's been in the hospital for a week already because she was dehydrated and complaining of shortness of breath, and apparently her tumor has grown larger with the chemo treatments instead of shrunken like its supposed to. While in the hospital she has contracted pnuemonia and her pulse began racing and they couldn't get it under control.

But thats not why life is precious...During the  1 1/2 hours we were there to visit her, TWO people in the ICU died and another's family was waiting with baited breath because the doctors didn't forsee that person making it until the morning. It was heartwrenching to see those families and thier pain. One was a adult, somehow she had a hole in her intestines and all that toxic stuff was leaking into her body, as they were preparing her for surgery she stopped breathing, they were doing all they could but between the leak and her respitory arrest there was just nothing they could do, and to have to watch/hear that woman's less than 16 year old daughter tell her grandmother "She's not gonna make it, the doctors say it's a matter of minutes" and break down crying. WAY TO MUCH!

Then the other patient was a THIRTEEN year old boy. Apparently him and a sister/cousin/friend(?) were riding their ATV when a truck hit them. He did not survive his injuries and there was very little hope for the girl to survive either. I think that was even harder to witness, knowing the victims were so young. Then another youth showed up, he must have also been involved in the accident because his face and head was all scratched and scraped up and he kept saying "I'm not going anywhere until I know they're ok" as people pleaded with him to go get care for himself, and then they found out the boy had passed.

I know that God makes no mistakes, but I've never been that close to death and it was very emotional for me. But it also made me very grateful, because although my Aunt is in that same ICU, when I went back to see her, she was talking, watching TV, and eating on her will, her placement in ICU was more of a preventative move. So I thank God for that, and for the life He continues to give to me.

If you haven't told your loved ones you love them late, please do so, and NOW, because you really never know what's just aroun dthe bend...
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October 19th, 2008

Halle Berry-Syndrome

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I guess it's time for my weekly update lol.

This morning I was getting ready for church, and I started thinking (and we all know thinking is a dangerous thing for me). On the Tom Joyner Morning Show one day they were talking about fyne women and how no matter how fyne a woman is, there is some man somewhere looking at her and thinking "I done with you and your mess" (or something to the effect). Their example was Halle Berry, everybody knows she's fyne, but yet she's got 2 ex-husbands. They were cracking jokes about it and such. Anyway, the point to all this is, as Ive been yet again re-examining my love life, I feel like maybe I'm suffering from Halle Berry Syndrome. I have no shortage of men wanting my attention, but after a certain point them fools aint sticking around. I'm a smart enough woman to know that I can't always say "its them not me" cause the common denominator is me, so the lack of lasting relationships is my fault as well, so I'm working on that. Anyway that's all I want to say on that because it's what happened after I arrived at church that got me stoked enough to even want to post.

I was sitting in church thinking, (and again, we've determined thinking is not my friend) when I started examining my 2008 thus far as we're halfway through the 10th month. We all know I've been going through somethings lately cause that's all I've been talking about lately. Well, sitting there in church enjoying women's day God laid something in my spirit that moved me to tears. I already knew through all this God was still working and moving through my life, but I was hit with a small glimpse of his bigger plan:

God is setting me up for something spectacular. Its not for me to know or figure out at this point, but to see His "Big Picture" it was just amazing!  See this is how God has been setting me up:

First, God helped me find my new church home where I am spirituallhy growing and surrounded by a wonderful church family, that inspires me to become better in Christ and do/be more.

Second, God sent me to a Christian-based school to work at. As much as I dislike my job, the truth of the matter is, my coworkers are all believers, we're all in different places in our walk, but God is working through people in that place, especially my two best work friends. They are similar to me but different, but most of all they are believers. I can just be me with them, but then some, because I can be fully me around them. They know the difficulty of trying to live a righteous life, and they stumble too, and we build each other up with not just friendship and love, but with prayer and faithfulness too.

Third, God sent me to a Christian-based school to finish my degree. I've been telling people about how refreshing it is that not only is it acceptable to talk about God its encouraged. We pray before class starts, we pray before class ends, there is this level of support that was lacking when I was in just a regular school. It's hard to put into words, but the atmosphere is definitely different and more positive, but it's not all fanatical BSU "jesus is my homie!"

What all this has done is put other things into perspective for me. I could be wrong, but in my mind life works like this: you have work, friends/family, and self. The choices in either of those categories proportionately affects the others. Wrong choice in a job and your friends/family and self suffer. Issues with your friends/family affect your self and work. God has made moved in work and friends/family to move me to where He wants me to be, and as I show faithfulness and steadfast-ness with those he will bless me in other areas, namely the love he wants me to have with my future husband.

I know I'm kinda rambling and stuff, its hard for me to put it into words, but right now I feel so good and positive!

October 9th, 2008

You Can't

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I'm in the process of attempting to banish the word CAN'T from my life. There is no place for it. I'm sure there are and will be situations where it seems "can't" would be perfectly acceptable, but not for me. From this point on can't does not exisit; however, I will allow for an acceptable substitute. There is nothing I CAN'T do but there are situations and circumstances where I do not possess the skill, knowledge, or resources to perform the necessary tasks. Can't implies that one is unable to do something; however (i need a new word for however lol) I am able to do things when given the necessary ( i need a new word for necessary lol) tools. And that is the end of that.

So anyway, I start school tonight, and I'm excited but nervous. Whoo-hoo to new beginnings in 08!

this post ended up sucking cause i can't do not have enough motivation to stay focused. I'll try again later.

Oh and to all my LJ friends, thanks for not cutting me off your f-list as I go through this rough time, I'll be back to me soon!

September 24th, 2008

But He is holy..

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I've been trying to write this post for roughly 4 hours now- starting, stopping, editing, rearranging. erasing- I think I don't really want to write this, but feel I need to just to get some stuff out of my head; its way too crowded in there.

I know I've said it quite a few times, but I am really going through some things right now. On the outside, on a superficial level, my life seems pretty good, but deep down... yeah lets not even finish that sentence.

I feel really bad, I flaked on a friend on Sunday, but I really needed to be in church. In the end, I stand by my decision because church was SO on point, and I got a much needed message.

What's been going on... )

Speaking of which, I've been going out almost every night on the weekends, but I've been having a blast. I thrive off attention (hey I already admitted to being an attention whore) and I get alot of attention lately, plus I just like to have fun. So for a few hours a weekend I throw my troubles out my mind and dance like nobody's watching and laugh like sadness doesn't exist. And I get to flirt with random men.

Men...we alredy know how me and men go. That's interesting. Fugitive called me from jail. He actually calls me several times a week but he knows I don't accept collect calls so he's gotten smart, when he's supposed to say his name, he says whatever message he wants me to hear. And when he really wants to talk, he calls his mom collect and then she calls me on her cellphone and then put us on speakerphone. (SMH at how blacks folks get real ingenious when it's time to get over on something, but ain't got the wherewithall to do something positive). I wrote him a letter about how I was feeling about him being locked up again, and us and all that good stuff, so tonights message was that he wrote me back so we'll see what he has to say. As far as men not on a state-sponsored vacation...Richard informed me tonight that he more than likely will be moving back to Denver. Then there's Colorox...no comment on him right now, too new, but we'll see where that goes. Then theres...The Light...ah the light *big smile crosses my face*, I would give it all up for the Light. Its only been 3 weeks (wow! 3 weeks already!?) but something about him...I just smile. I don't even want to say anything else about him...just know that he is the Light (until something goes wrong and my fickle butt turns to someone else lol smh @ me falling in and out of love every few months). Sigh.

I think its safe to wrap this up, my mind feels a tad emptier, plus i dozed off like twice while typing this. There's so much more going on and that I need to get out, but this was enough for now



September 6th, 2008

just one more

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I am growing weary from this fight. My body is tired, my soul aches, my breath becomes more labored with each moment; and yet I refuse to go down. I can't give up, even when every fiber says "quit! quit now, we are at the limit!" the drive keeps going. My own mind says "you can't" my own body says "i won't" and my heart says "its over" and yet I can't stop. Something somewhere refuses to listen and says "just one more! just one more" yet when I do that one more, when I jump that hurdle, its only to land in a pit or to hit a wall, and yet I continue aiming for just one more...

when will I reach the finish line? when will the final bell ring? is there even an end, will I recognize it when it comes? I don't know, but I guess until then- just one more...
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August 19th, 2008

Well I'll Be

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God works in mysterious ways, and turns what seems negative into blessings! So I went to see Richard last night cause it'd been a month and I had some free time and whatnot. I ended up spending the night, and although we fussed a bit, overall it was still good. I think the honeymoon phase is over, but that's a good thing because we gotta get to know the good and the bad. Anyway, long story short, I wake up to go to work this morning...

SOME ONE HAD BROKEN INTO MY CAR!

But let me tell you how good God is.

There was no damage to the car, and the only thing they stole were some CDs (which we're even good cds, they were things I'd burned like back in 2000/2001), the CD holders (which came from Dollar Tree), and a can of mase/pepper spray an ex had given me 4 years ago. I'm so OK with them only stealing those things, because had they taken the time to open my trunk they would have found my laptop computer, but they didn't, so the total value of stolen items <$5.

But it doesn't stop there. I called my job to let them know what happened, because I was debating filing a police report and all that jazz, so they told me not to come in (which I didn't want to do anyway). Richard was like "well spend the day with me"; I took him up to one of the local technical colleges because he's interested in getting a degree, and I was like "well since we're looking at schools, I want to check out this Christian College I heard about on the radio"

I had been very interested in this school, but was hesitant to apply simply because on paper my academic record is horrible and I was very worried that I wouldn't get a chance to explain what was going on (several major illnesses and ignorance of withdrawl procedures, etc). So, long story short, we go up to the school and I met the vice president. I got a chance to sit down and talk with her, and she told me her story (she is a living testimony) and I got the chance to tell her mine, and she was like "well if you really are interested this is what I can do for you, I will do whatever it takes to help you get into this school as soon as possible" so she waived my app fee, and even did/paid for the transcript requests from my previous two schools. And basically now she's just waiting on my character referral, the transcripts, and for me to write a "grace letter" (basically tell them what about me has changed that I know I will succeed in their program), and my financial aid info to come in. Because it is a private Christian school it's a bit pricier than I'm used to, but I feel God wants me here, and so the money won't be a big problem.

I am just feeling really good and positive right now, and I'm very excited about how everything transpired. And before I left her office, the vice president sat down and prayed with me!!

God is Good
 

August 17th, 2008

Oh Well

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I'm *SURE* I'm going to regret this later, but I just don't feel like going to work today. No real reason beyond I just don't feel like dealing with them people going. Work is actually semi-getting better (mostly because I force myself to be positive instead of going in there all negative and funky, then wondering why I'm having a bad day). But I dunno, my mind is refusing to make my body work or do anything that remotely resembles an attempt to make it to work. I don't even have a good enough excuse to call in with
<= calls in and says "Uhm I wont be in today, I'm in a coma, but I'll be out of it tomorrow"

But I think I will sleep some, maybe try to clean up the place a little bit, and pay this bill that's been haunting me. Darn I'm going to miss flirting with banker today!

July 25th, 2008

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something's gotta give soon, I just hope it's not my mind...
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July 23rd, 2008

srsly!?

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there is something seriously wrong with the state of mind of black men today; and you'll be hard pressed to convince me differently. between the total lack of responsibility and lack of respect for the black woman, black men have seriously got something twisted. and the next one who comes at me on some bullshit, will find his little feelings hurt, cause i'll be doggone if I will treat you with the respect of man when you find it acceptable to behave as a boy. I'm about thisclose to dating outside the race, cause I can't take this mess any more!!
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July 19th, 2008

Perspective...

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I have GOT to calm down, ASAP, as in like yesterday! I am so wound up and stressed out right now, and it's so unlike me. Even worse it's beginning to show up on my face, and I can not be one of those women walking around looking stressed out, I am too good looking for all that. All this sexiness can't handle the reprecussions of all this mess going on right now.

As I periodically do, I am reassessing the master plan, including decisions about school, work, living situation, love life, etc. I have got to work on my prayer, cause right now I need to be having some serious conversations with God, cause I need/want/must have Him ordering my steps right now.

In other news, my mother and I are continuing to become close, and I like it. We're finally viewing each other as two human beings and not just mother/daughter. However, the new found relationship comes with some interesting times. Like yesterday, I told her I wasn't coming home after my date, implying I would be sleeping over with dude (she knows who dude is), and I can't remember what all was said, but at some point I said no sex would be had, and her response was priceless:
"I guess, but I wouldn't mind some lil grand girls running around here"
To which I responded "not until I'm married" and to which she said
"Yeah, but still, I'm just saying... I wouldn't mind some lil grand girls around here soon"
Uhm yes, my momma jut dang near told me "hey if you like him, have some unprotected sex and if you get knocked up, I'm cool with that" LMAO! smh at momma wishing for grandbaby girls.

Anyway, hopefully things will change very soon, cause I need it to.

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Even a confused heart can spot a counterfit; and it doesn't hesitate to let you know that it just doesn't feel the same...
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July 18th, 2008

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!!ARRGH!!
*tears*

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